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User blog:Captain Ned Edgewalker/Randomly Generated
Randomly Generated ''is where imma write some short stories, all with a randomly generated plot using this lil site right here (or maybe a different one). It'll be fun, ok? I promise. January 10, 2018 - Protesting Punishment ''Welcome back to ENN at 5 o'clock. We now bring you live to the residence of President Ned Edgewalker, where James Abilio is outside with an update on the illegal protests that took place there earlier today. James? On a particularly snowy day in the Edgelandian capital, members of the known terrorist group "Activists for a Peaceful Edgelandia" began protesting outside of the residence of President Ned Edgewalker, 24 Union Avenue. A.P.E. was protesting the recent declaration of war by The Meme Must Go On against rival region Sivella. News outlets willing to overlook the Edgelandian laws began converging on 24 Union Avenue as fast as they could, as public protests in Edgelandia have been outlawed. Before, inevitably, both the reporters and protesters alike were arrested, the media began broadcasting live and interviewing said protesters. An 80-year-old woman said that a prison sentence was the necessary repercussion for her voice to be heard. This 80-year-old woman had lost her husband, son, and grandson in previous Edgelandian wars, a cost most of the Edgelandian public consider a necessary one. The woman was later arrested, tortured for a reported five consecutive hours, and then was mercifully executed. As for the rest of the demonstrators, the Edgelandian Police surrounded the group of protestors and opened fire, killing 24. Any survivors, wounded or not, were rounded up, arrested, and tortured. One lone protestor was released from prison six hours after her arrest, because she was the only one to survive said torture. She is currently in the Westbrook general hospital, recieving treatment for a major concussion, brain damage, a basilar skull fracture, a broken back, broken legs, and other minor injuries. A fate well deserved, if you ask me. President Edgewalker has not commented on the event, and was not even home at the time it took place. This shows the obvious incompotence of groups like this. For the Edgelandian News Network, this is James Abilio sending it back to ENN headquarters. Hail Edgelandia. 'Generated Plot' *A political demonstration turns into chaos. *Your character bites off more than s/he can chew January 21, 2018 - Origins of the Toab™ In the sparkling bay of Los Santos, a small, uninspiring sailboat sat drifting in the water. A small uninspiring sailboat that contained the uninspired middle class working man, Andrew Mallace. A man who always dreamed (and knew he was capable) of more. Andrew Mallace was a lackey in the company ‘why tho security’, where he provided protection for its CEO and many exclusive contracts, even one contract for the President... of Bulgaria. Andrew was fixing himself a vodka martini (stirred, not shaken) when suddenly, the air got cold, day turned to night and the water around his sailboat froze to solid ice. Andrew, justifiably confused, began walking backwards before bumping into something terrifying on the deck of his sailboat. Andrew turned around to see what it was, and what he saw was a half-lizard man with police tape on his face, and on his shirtless chest was a tattoo of a metal bull. The man simply said, “toab.” Suddenly, everything in the world was clear. Fuck this sailboat, he would need something… bigger. Fuck his boss, he would become the CEO. And this lizard-man? He would become Andrew’s personal bodyguard and together, they would rule the world. Or, at least, this city. For some reason, Andrew felt a compelling feeling that made him pull out his drivers license and cut the “Andrew” off of it. He was Mallace now. Only Mallace. Mallace sailed his boat over to a large yacht in the bay, named the “U.S.S. Darkwalker”. This lizard man motioned for Mallace to remain on the sailboat while he went on board. Only five minutes elapsed before the man returned . From the deck, the man gave a thumbs up to Mallace while wearing what appeared to be a fresh set of intestines like a scarf. And after that, friends, you can assume and already know the rest. The yacht was renamed the U.S.S. Mallace, but eternally the Toab. Mallace and the lizard man murdered and tortured their way to the top of the security company, where it was renamed “n4d”. And at this security company, the two came up with the most revolutionary weapon in the history of warfare. The war vehicle. 'Generated Plot' *The story begins on a yacht. *It's a story about rebellion. March 29, 2018 - The Comeback Late in the second period, the Homer Aquaholics were down big. Now, the Aquaholics weren’t a very good hockey team to begin with, but they had one bright spot. Their star player, Johnny Manziel (hey, he said he was gonna be playing somewhere this year), had somehow picked up a knack for this ice hockey thing. The Aquaholics were relying fully on Manziel to comeback from their 24-0 deficit against the Yukon Snow Cones, but that’s when tragedy struck. Manziel went down on the ice, seemingly with a head injury. Paramedics at the game rushed Manziel to the locker room, where he was to be analyzed by the team doctor. The second period ended, luckily for the Aquaholics, without another goal being scored. As the team returned to the locker room, they got the news that no team wants to hear. “He can’t play.” said the team doctor to Manziel's devastated teammates. Two members of the team staff, Sandra and Vladlena, were as devastated as the rest of the team. But these two mousey women would not be discouraged. They would be the ones to find a replacement for Johnny. Sandra opened up her secret cupboard in the locker room and pulled out a dinosaur egg that had to be placed in water. Sandra gave Vladlena a nod, and Vladlena went to fill a tub full of water. Meanwhile, Sandra begun performing voodoo rituals on the dinosaur egg as taught to her by famed voodoo wizard (and her best friend), Dia Talma. As Vladlena returned with the tub of water, the dinosaur egg was vibrating furiously. The moment it was placed into the tub of water, the egg burst open. Two velociraptors grew to their full size in a matter of seconds. The pair had bright rainbow coloured feathers, and were granted the intelligence of a normal human being. Sandra grabbed a two pairs of skates and two hockey sticks, looked one of the velociraptors in the eyes and simply asked, “will you play?” The velociraptor nodded yes. Nobody on the Aquaholics were concerned about the actual dinosaurs playing for their hockey team, because they were simply desperate. The pair were given jerseys to wear, put on their equipment and headed out to the ice. Upon seeing the dinosaurs, a collective statement of “what the fuck is that” could be heard emanating from the Snow Cones’ bench. Amidst the confusion, the Captain of the Snow Cones headed over to speak to the referee about the legality of having dinosaurs play ice hockey in Alaska, but was sent back to the bench as the referee declared that “it’s not my fucking problem.” A look of fear and confusion was on the face of all members of the Snow Cones, none more-so than the player tasked with winning the face-off against one of the velociraptors. The velociraptors lined up for the face-off while keeping their eyes dead set on the puck. As the referee dropped the puck, the velociraptor roared in the face of said player, knocking him over. The dinosaurs proceeded to score 25 goals in the 3rd period, giving the Aquaholics the victory, 25-24. Unfortunately for the Aquaholics, the pure joy would not last. This game had massive implications on the sport of ice hockey, as the International Ice Hockey Federation would later rule that no velociraptors or other dinosaurs of the sort would be allowed to play in a “professional" league due to “player safety because the dinosaurs brutally murdered 12 players on the Snow Cones.” The Aquaholics finished the season 2-80-0, with their only other win coming later in the season when Johnny Manziel scored his only goal of the season, before leaving the team because he demanded that the team give him all of the money they had, just because. The velociraptors would live out the rest of their lives with their caretakers, Sandra and Vladlena. And the rest, as they say, isn’t history. 'Generated Plot' * When a team-mate is injured, two mousey women prepare dinosaurs. April 16, 2018 - The Wrath of Heaven In the city of Philadelphia, the skies have opened up over the city and covered it with six inches of snow in a single afternoon. Inside the Pennsylvania Hospital, there sits a room that is lit entirely by the skies outside. A man lays on the hospital bed, taking slow, deep breaths while he stares out the window watching the snow fall. He has not moved since the morning, hasn’t looked at anything else besides the snow. One flake after another. Inhale. Exhale. “Sir?” a voice calls out to him from the opposite side of the room. “I require your full attention for this.” The man slowly moves his head to look at the doctor. Once the doctor is satisfied that he has the full attention of the man, he begins to speak. But nothing can be heard coming out of his mouth. Only the high pitched noise of silence. The man’s mind was drifting elsewhere. Thinking of what he’s done in his life. His ex-wife. His children. Everything that preceded this moment in time. It all raced through his head like a sports car on a racetrack. “…and all of this combined means that we cannot cure this infection, and you will die within three days. That being said, it is my unfortunate duty to ask you what your last wishes are, and who you would like us to contact.” said the doctor’s voice, making the situation clear. “I’m very sorry, Pietro.” Pietro remained silent on the bed, turning his head back towards the window. He slowly moved his hand to his head and began to scratch his short, grey hair. He plunked his hand back down on the bed after his itch was scratched, and said in a meek voice “there is nobody for you to contact. Please make sure I am buried in my hometown of Lakewood… I do not care where, as long as it’s in the city.” “I must tell you that we are required to inform your next of kin, those being your children. Your children will be notified of your last wishes, and I have been told that you had a will organized in the scenario that things took a turn for the worse. Unfortunately, I have other duties to attend to. If you like, I can assign a nurse to remain with you at all times or we can contact someone to come.” said the doctor Pietro simply nodded his head no, before fixing his eyes back on the snow falling outside. A feeling of pure, unbridled emptiness entered into his chest, giving him a feeling only describable as a black hole sucking what life and hope he had left in him. Pietro was not a good man. An adulterer, an abuser. Lying on his deathbed, truly left by himself until the end of time. His only companions were regret, a faint desire to right his wrongs, and the snow. All three would leave him before his passing. Twenty minutes before Pietro died, so did the winter in Philadelphia, as the sun broke through the clouds and snow would not return to the city for another seven months. 'Generated Plot' *A father makes a last request as he lays dying. *It's a story about lonliness. May 13, 2018 - That Lazy Millennial Santa Claus “Santa’s a piece of shit, honestly. He gets all of these immigrant workers to work for him without a wage. He works ONE DAY A YEAR. Yet the asshole can’t find the time to workout? Slim down some? It’d help him do his job, get down the chimneys easier. I’m in my seventies and I’ve still managed to remain attractive and in shape despite everything. I swear he doesn’t even try. That’s why, this month, I’m going to sabotage his vacation. He’ll never expect it from me. The fat fuck is going to Phoenix for three weeks and I’m gonna completely ruin it for him. Glue on his suntanning chairs, his pastries filled with toothpaste, and I’m gonna kill Rudolph.” Later in the week… “Alright Avengers, we have a special request from… the Santa Claus corporation. We’re to catch the terrorist known as Gladys Hackney from Pensacola, Florida. We’ve brought in a psychiatrist to help up figure out her mindset, Dr. -” Said Nick Fury “Isn’t this a waste of our time? You know… with all the super villains running around - particularly Thanos? I just don’t see why we should be-“ Tony Stark said before dobedobedododo… oh-oh “shut the hell up bitch. go kill yourself. go sit in the middle of the road and let a car run over you. you’re ugly, you are disgusting, i’m gonna kill you… you’re an alcoholic.” said Dr. Phil Robert Downey Jr. ran away crying, leaving the rest of the Avengers (including the new Avenger Dr. Phil) to discuss how to catch Gladys, and they formulated a plan. The Guardians would approach her first to distract her, and Spider-Man would tie her up using his web. Unknown to the Avengers, Gladys was actually prepared for this. She made her world famous lemonade to set by the poolside, along with freshly baked cookies. The Avengers showed up to apprehend Gladys, but Gladys pointed out that it would be such a waste to have a fight on a beautiful sunny day. And that was the end of that. Gladys and the Avengers had a nice pool party and everything was forgotten forever. The End. 'Generated Plot' *An attractive pensioner betrays the Santa Claus corporation and are pursued by a team of super heroes. Events are straightened out by a break in the weather. June 16, 2018 - Andrew Mallace has ravaged me It was Andrew Mallace’s birthday. Ever since becoming the CEO of the newly founded Toab Inc., Mallace hadn’t been better. The party was already in full swing, when… Mallace’s ex-wife showed up. With his son. Since becoming the CEO of Toab, Mallace didn’t have time (didn’t care) for any aspect of his previous life. He was happily remarried to his life partner, his favourite stripper from the Vanilla Unicorn, Fufu. But his ex-wife had come here to settle the score. Mallace’s 15-year old son honestly didn’t really want to be there, but he didn’t have much of a choice. It was either this, or grandma’s house. Mallace was speaking to the President of France and the President of the United States about how both countries could fully utilize the sheer power of The War Vehicle™ to to its full extent. When the unbearable noise of her high pitched voice echoed throughout Mallace’s $1.1 million apartment, even with all the guests present. “ANDREW, HELLO MY DARLING! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Svetlana shrieked while walking up to Mallace to give him a hug Mallace was completely taken aback by her presence at the party, and as a matter of fact had added her to a list of people explicitly not be allowed in the building. As he was hugged by Svetlana, Mallace looked to the French President for assistance, but they had ran away. He then looked to the American President, but he dismissed the situation as fake news. “Don’t just stand there darling, say hello to your son. Come here Mikhail. You tell your father how he hurt you emotionally.” Svetlana said in a ‘matter-of-fact’ tone “…I mean, I understand why you two spli-“ Mikhail said before “NONSENSE! YOU TELL HIM RIGHT NOW HOW MUCH PAIN YOU ARE IN MENTALLY BECAUSE OF THIS ENTIRE DEBACLE LIKE I-I MEAN YOU LAID OUT EARLIER WHEN YOU WERE SPEAKING TO ME ABOUT IT.” Svetlana interjected Andrew put his hand on his sons’ shoulder and calmly said “Listen, you two can stay for the rest of the party. We will talk about this later, Svetlana.” Dejected, Svetlana proceeded to get absolutely shit-faced for the remainder of the party. Svetlana proceeded to find the DJ for the party, and requested that he play the anthem of the Soviet Union. Though the DJ tried to resist, Svetlana was very… persuasive (she broke a vodka bottle over the DJ booth and threatened him with the jagged edges). Once the anthem finally started playing, Svetlana quickly dragged Mikhail out onto the dance floor to slow dance. Svetlana got real close to her son, and quietly whispered into his ear “you know son, I have a confession. Andrew isn’t even your real father. You see that lizard man with police tape over his face?” Mikhail looked over at the lizard man, who was already smiling and waving directly at him. “Yeah, he’s your father. You’re probably gonna grow some scales or some shit pretty soon i don’t know man.” After the party, Svetlana was disposed of by said lizard man at the behest of Mallace himself, and the lizard man proceeded to take Mikhail under his… scales, and raise him as his own child from that point on. 'Generated Plot' *At a party for a father, the estranged ex-wife slow dances with their son. Why does she dance with him, and what secret does she whisper in his ear as they dance? March 19, 2019 - The Short, Sad Tale of Steve the Pedophile This is, indeed, on your computer screen right now. School has just gotten out, and for our titular character, Steve the Pedophile, it’s the best time of day. Steve is 49 years old, has no official job, and lives in a white van. He sits in his white van parked adjacent to a suburban playground, and begins to slowly consume a ham and mustard sandwich. After every bite, he licks his lips to keep them nice and lubricated for his next bite. Parents mostly ignore the strange man eating a sandwich who is also just sorta, kinda staring at their fucking children while eating said sandwich, but hey, who cares right? For Steve, today suddenly became a special day! Oh god. His favourite child has shown up at the park, and for Steve, it’s too much to resist on this particular day. He pulls out his camera and begins to record. He can only record for about 20 seconds before the child’s father takes notice. The lizard man walks up to Steve’s van, rips off the door and throws Steve in the back of his van. The lizard man proceeds to rip out Steve’s entrails and exits the van with a new intestine scarf to add to his extensive collection. Though he could have simply said “don’t ever look at me or my lizard son Mikhail again”, this was infinitely more effective and is, ultimately, what Steve deserved. I don't know what the fuck I just wrote but Randomly Generated is back from hiatus, baybay. 'Generated Plot' *A man in his late forties, who can be quite generous. *The story begins in a children's playground. *A secret recording has been made.